I love this song. :-)

Not that I ever planned on going to watch this movie, but all these problems producing this film are really starting to annoy me… Oh, and what about the guy who plays the villain? Ehm… Still missing, too.

A happy Valentine’s Day to those of you who celebrate it. Here’s my modest contribution to this overly commercialized festivity.

About Uniqueness

Amidst strangers, belike I would come upon an affection:

In Wellington
Could be a pretty girl with blond hair and a tattoo,
(We’d share a glamorous dance in a golden ballroom)
In a marvellous country with nature untouched.

In Tokyo
Could be a startling girl with pink hair and a blue top,
(We’d share a hush embrace that would say it all)
In an exotic place at the far side of the world.

In Bombay
Could be a stupendous girl with black hair and colourful clothes,
(We’d attend a festivity full of chant going on till noon)
In a mysterious country alive with wonders.

In Jerusalem
Could be a beauteous girl stepping on holy ground,
(We’d be ravished by each other in front of the Wailing Wall)
In a sanctuary that is astonishing time and again.

But for all that,

Here
Have I already encountered
The most pulchritudinous being,
The most chaste soul,
(You’re an unconfutable prima facie of perfection)
And I shall shed you love ad Kalendas Graecas
(I’ll breathe iwalu every single day)
In this country that I’d vacate if not for you.

Do you interpret the emails you get correctly? Probably you don’t.

A paintress and a canvas -
Ivory black for the desolate man on the right,
A background brush and cerulean blue,
Some cadmium red, yellow and orange,
For a lugubrious sunset in the centre.
Several perfectly achieved brushstrokes
Of Cremnitz white,
For a slight glow around the man.
A trifle of Van Dyke brown and vermillion hue
For the dead tree on the left.
A blender brush, some raw sienna, burnt umber,
And the landscape brushes for the overpainting
Of a forlorn scenery.
A paintress and a canvas -
Her expressionist tableau,
A lighter and a feeling of warmth
Her picture of transience,
Some natural light effects
For a still life and
A failed work of New Sobriety.

Had I the heaven’s embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

by William Butler Yeats

Yes, I’m still awake. If I wouldn’t fear a weird dream like the ones I had the last few nights, maybe I would already sleep.
Nobody’s online, not even my friends living in completely different timezones.
To quote The White Stripes: “I just don’t know what to do with myself”.
Yes, I’m that dozy that I actually think of a White Stripes song! Wow… Not my usual musical taste. Not at all. I might shilly-shally if I should listen to the song, but fortunately I don’t have it. :)
I’ve been doing some research for a new podcast episode, but I can’t record. My voice would sound a bit weird as I’d have to try not to speak too loud in order not to wake everybody up.
Guess I’ll just have to watch yet another episode of Desperate Housewives. It’s gonna be a fun night. :)

Oh, by the way, here are some strange thoughts that are popping up in my mind right now.

If
… God always knew the future, why did he still create humanity?
… we all have to die, why are we born in the first place?
… we are reborn, will we be the same person?
… there is no afterlife, why live by so called divine rules?
… there is a God, does he have parents and siblings?
… Jesus comes back, will we believe him?
… I tell you I love you, will you say you do, too?
… life is a big party, why isn’t the hangover worth the fun?
… the truth is the basis of trust, why do we lie?
… help is the basis of friendship, why do most friends turn away?
… we lived forever, how many times would we feel bored?
… we all need friends, why do we have so few?
… X8-372 is X6-672, why do I still see a difference?
… you don’t understand the preceding sentence, you aren’t supposed to.

may be continued

(Explicit content following! Not my usual level I know, but I’m pretty sick and tired of everything right now so I hope you’ll forgive for once.)

Vermillion skies
Bloodshot eyes
Let your hypocritic pity be
Fuck off I’m angry
You say others’ problems are worse
But I know my life’s the greatest curse
I don’t care about others’ stupid problems
Hell get over your flurry
You’re a real pain in the ass
You smell like sewer gas
Now would you let your hypocrism be at last
Many senseless minutes already passed
With your embarassing hugs full of ulterior motives
So would you finally fuck off
I’m seething with rage

—
Songs of the day:
“Suicide” – Meat Beat Manifesto
“Washing me away in the tides” – Trivium
“Her portrait in black” – Atreyu

13.54. Wake up, turn the radio on. Faultline featuring Coldplay: “Your love means everything Part 2″. I feel so dull. I can’t remember the last time I woke up well rested. It must have been years ago. 13.55. I watch the hand slowly moving towards 14. In eight hours this day will finally be over. Fortunately I already missed most of it and didn’t have to think about anything. Nothing but sweet little nightmares that haunt me even now that I’m awake. 13.56. My mind is blank. Everything I did over the last years has led me to this moment. I made my dreams go and they left a void. Never go to bed with sorrow in your heart. I wouldn’t have slept at all in years if I’d follow that rule. 13.57. There is no reason to get up. Downstairs are only people I don’t want to see. Only people that never did nor will understand. School is no reason to get up, to live. There are no people there I’d wish to see. None of them asks questions. None of them sincerely wonders why I don’t eat. None of them knows I only sit there waiting for another opportunity to get drunk after school. 13.58. I might as well sleep the whole weekend. I might as well listen to this song endlessly. Constant ticking. Slowly idle minutes of my life fade away. Any attempt to fill them with an activity would be a waste of energy I don’t have. Any thought about getting up would be hypocrisy. 13.59. If I could live forever I would commit suicide. A hundred years of sorrow. Let’s hope there is no afterlife. If I had taken a different decision two years ago I wouldn’t lie here. But I did. 14.00. I’m deadened. Time to fall asleep.

Having had to write the personal statement for the application to university and a discussion with Serge about whether we have a real influence on our lifes lead me to think about where I’m going to be in a few years and what I’m going to do.

It is kind of irritating not knowing an exact answer to the question. I always imagined coming back to Luxembourg after my studies and live here for the rest of my life, but I did never really think about it. At the moment I don’t know if I want to return after having finished university, I don’t know if meeting new friends and gaining new experiences will cause me to go on living in a different country.

It is weird thinking about this for the first time. I never considered not coming back. A few months ago a friend of mine told me she was not going to return after her studies, and I was shocked – if only because this meant I wouldn’t see her often. But I finally come to understand what might have caused her decision and it kind of scares me that I got reasons not to return myself.

Partially it is certainly due to my dissatisfaction about still being here. It’s not so much studying at the University of Luxembourg – although that bugs me too – but rather the fact of still being in that capital where I have been passing most of my time for the last six years and walking past the different high schools I’ve been to every day. And there are a whole series of people I’d rather not see so often or even not at all.
Yes, I have to blame myself for everything was already set to go to Germany and I reconsidered the decision of studying German philology in the very last moment, but that decision was the right one to make. I study German philology as a minor subject now – and it’s terribly boring.

During the first week of class, we had this simple but tough exercise of writing an article about our life in 2020. I was a webdesigner, lived in Vancouver, was married, had two children and lived in a nice single-family house. Oh, and not to make it too boring, I had just become Time Magazine’s man of the year. :) To be a webdesigner is only a great dream, seriously, designing websites is nothing more than a nice hobby and I can’t imagine working in an industry in which firms vanish as quickly as they are created, but living in Vancouver would be great!

The more I think about it, the more I’d love to live in a large city – Vancouver, Wellington, San Francisco would be great places to name a few. I’m not keen on spending more years in a city which looks like a ghost town after 18 o’clock.

And what am I going to do? Writing has been taking on most of my free time. I’m not planning on becoming a writer, poet or whatever. But I’m starting to realize that I cannot deny the possibility anymore either. My vision of which business I’m going to work in blurs the more I try to get a clear view of it.

Will I leave Luxembourg forever this September? Maybe, maybe not. At the moment at least I have absolutely no reason to return. Will I be good enough to earn money with my texts? Well I’m definitely lacking the hubris to think that. :-)

Here I am world, tell me where to go.