March 2006

Vermillion & Auburn

Daddy, if you say I’m your little angel, and angels can fly, then why can I not?

I’ve almost finished my latest short story and I will publish it soon. :)


(Yes, usually I don’t post The Fallen poems on the blog, but this one fairly gets my mood.)

A white shadow evanescing forevermore
Into so much more, on paramount an illusion:
The black angel stepping past going blinds,
Raven hair shining so purely auburn,
An apathetic sleep through unblended innocence
Becoming lucent, this envisioned noir dream.
Two blank stares if not unrecognizing glances,
So gorgeous, fair and beautiful, so delirious with pain,
So distract with joy and heavenly lionizing.
Modular alteration modifying it all completely, instantly.
The further they take her, golden wings so maroon,
The less she is being missed much more by me,
Sublunar being, perishable soul on a solitary walk.
Nor smile nor whisper nor bow nor greeting
Has been.


You go out with a friend, one evening to perhaps meet some girls. Nothing serious, just some fun with girls you’ll perchance never see again. But the whole town is empty. There are almost no people around – on a Saturday evening. So you sit around in some cafes, coincidentally meet some people you know, but finally end up again in your regular pub, where you started the evening. You get spent several vodka shots. You go to the toilet and see yourself in the mirror above the basin, and you say to yourself: “So this is me. And there outside, that’s really my life. Was this really all meant to be?”

Was it meant to be that you pass most of your time in this very pub? And why did exactly that guy who is waiting for you outside become your friend? You can’t even remember when you first met him, but still he’s the one who’s been a friend ever since and he’s the one who you wanted to have some fun with tonight.

Some talking with the bar man who’s almost an old acquaintance and another free drink. You look around the pub: this is the very place you spent weeks and months with your friends, the place linked to so many beautiful memories. It won’t remain forever. Nothing does – even the supermarket, where the girl of your dreams once bought Alete and you were stupid enough to make fun of her, having to bear your heart’s bleeding afterwards, is gone.

You decide to go home, but then drive around for some time, listening to some Fool’s Garden, Bloc Party and alike. The gas stations are all closed, so no chance to get something to eat. At 2 o’clock you’re bored. Nothing happened, that isn’t at all how the evening was supposed to end, but you can’t change it.

Finally home, all that remains are question: Is anything destined to happen? Or is destiny only a constant hustle, having no idea where it is going?

Are we trapped? It’s almost like my name was Seth. This is my life.

This is your life,
Is it everything that you dreamed
That it would be when the world was younger,
And you had everything to lose?

I really like Switchfoot.

Tonight’s playlist

Stars looking at our planet,
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe starting to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I’ve been thinking ’bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond our own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Began to look like home
I’ve been thinking ’bout everyone,
Everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars
I see someone else

Ah, Switchfoot are so great… :-)

Drawing Restraint 9

Its core idea is the relationship between self-imposed resistance and creativity, a theme it symbolically tracks through the construction and transformation of a vast sculpture of liquid vaseline, called The Field, which is molded, poured, bisected and reformed on the deck of the ship over the course of the film.

This is going to be an interesting movie!

Halcyon Life

Had I but on the chance of losing my hope once given
Up, so that it wouldn’t have gone for many weeknights
And quite a number of colourless weekends, too,
Would I have become aware that it is a disease?
Perchance and only by that which might be strong luck
May I have undergone the treatment of black bliss in
Blue worlds and fathomless lakes within auburn forests
And realized that bloom could indeed be therein.
Now beings of light, never begotten but existing –
Without a raison d’être mayhap, and if, no sublunar’d know
Or be able to see into this purpose that contingently
Has been breathed by a God into his cubist painting,
Sometimes so expressionist and simplehearted –
Lament this cessation of hope, that I though bemoan not:
It is luck which makes us, but it are losses that take us
Along and to a potentially blitheful far side of life.

No thoughts

It’s been four days since my last post here, and it goes without saying that this kind of surprises me – I didn’t check on it, but as far as I can remember, that’s the longest time without a new entry on this blog.

What have I done during the last couple of days that prevented me from posting?

Well, on Friday I went to see Crash, the movie which won the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture this year, and I absolutely loved it. Surprisingly complex for a Hollywood movie, and no black-and-white story where you get told who’s the bad guy and who’s the hero – they’re all bad guys and heroes, just like in real life where nobody is simply good or bad. After that I went to the Aula in the Grund, as there were some towers waiting to be emptied. :)

On Saturday I went to the funeral of a friend’s dad. It was crushing: the whole town was in some sort of emergency situation, the streets were blocked to far out of the town because of all the cars, hundreds of people were standing in front of the coffin. What struck me most was a girl, about 10 years old, who was standing in front of me, and had her hand on her elder brother’s shoulder who couldn’t stop crying. When the eulogy began, the girl began crying too, but she still tried comforting her brother – I have never seen anything like it, the agony in that girl’s eyes was hauntingly heart rending. I had to swallow hard more than once not to cry myself. Then I saw the priest who had held the requiem of two friends’ late mother a few months ago. He was standing some twenty meters away from me and was there as a friend of the deceased. He seemed to be a nervous wreck. Yes, he lost a friend, but shouldn’t he as a priest be happy for his friend to be with God now? I do not mean and I do not have a right to judge his faith in any way, but it was a thought that crossed my mind when I saw him – as he had preached exactly that a few months ago.

Sunday was pretty much doing nothing, and Monday was a boring school day – except for the afternoon, where I’d been sitting at the cafe Art Scène for two hours and finally wrote my real first short-story (three typed pages). I still have to read over it again, but I’m surely going to publish it. And I submitted a poem to the editorial staff of The ICS, which is the English school magazine at the University.

Today was yet another school day, two classes with Mr Weber, true, but I simply felt too tired. Apart from that, I finally got my 1.5gb webspace for and am going to put the site back online either tonight (which I doubt though as I already have other plans) or tomorrow late afternoon (which is far more likely).

The only thing left then is a short note for those of you not checking on the sadautumn mainsite regularly (which I perfectly understand as there aren’t updates very often) but interested in The Fallen: I’ve added three poems. So slowly but surely the end is coming (which is in fact already written down and is three poems long).

Desirable things

A few things I’d like to see in the near future:

– the ability to mark a link as spam in a search engine so that I won’t ever get a result from that page again;
– the ability to put specific images into the browser cache and be able to choose what is deleted when emptying the cache;
– finally a version of IE that handles CSS the right way (almsot sounds like a utopian vision);
– the standardization of the WHATWG specifications;
– the merge of DomainKeys with SPF and the resulting protocol’s propagation;
– the ZRTP protocol becoming a public standard (wait, the public standard has been presented at the IETF conference in Seoul only a few days ago… cool!) and its integration into Skype (still have to wait for that one to happen though);
– IPTV finally having a breakthrough;
– VoD in Luxembourg now that digital tv is coming;
– affordable HDTVs;
– a real alternative to Google;
– QuickTime transcoding movies as fast as ffmpegX or there’s just no sense in buying the Pro version;
– no more,, or anything alike (and no, they are not funny anymore, they’re just stupid);
– an ISP like this in Luxembourg;
– the video store in iTunes available outside of the US (particularly here in Luxembourg, where after all they have their European registered office).

Please feel free to add other things you want to have in the comments. :)