“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

For the most part of the year, the sound of seagulls is the first sound I hear every morning when I open my window. It’s the background noise when I walk through the city center or hang out in the bay. It’s what proves to me that, whatever happens, the sun will rise again with a ruthless and wonderful certainty every day. Sad Autumn was a look upon my life, but as that life changed, so has the outlet. In a way it means this site will only be a continuation. But at the same time it will be something completely different.

So here I am. As far as I can remember I never left my life behind the way I did the past weeks and months. I closed my blog, I deleted my accounts on all the social networking sites except for Facebook – which I reduced to a very minimal profile only so people could still contact me. I never really felt the need to go back to any of those services, nor did I wonder if I should go back to blogging. True, I registered this domain a few weeks ago, but ever since I only played around with the design – I never thought about actually putting the site online, that was only a goal at an unknown distance.
Sometimes, however, the way is the goal. It certainly seems like that to me now that I look back upon the road that lies behind me. One of those many days while I was gone, Georges told me that letting go is probably one of the hardest thing you have to do in your life. It is. But occasionally that is exactly what you need. I stepped out of my own life, and spent a lot of time looking at it from the outside. I was proud of the choices I have taken so far. Not for a second did I regret the decision that eventually lead to me closing this blog. I lived every last second of each day to its fullest extent.

I’ve never really been the kind of person who’d listen to his heart. I rationalized every decision, acted out every possible scenario in my head, over and over again. But then, just for a second, I listened – and I realized: if you go out into the world and give someone the power to hurt you so badly you wished you were dead, if you, even if just for a single moment, completely accept who you are and show it, then you are truly alive. It doesn’t matter whether you get hurt, either way you’ll wake up one morning and the only thought in your head will be the one thing that has kept humanity going for so long: I am alive, and that is without any doubt the most amazing thing. My heart is filled with love for my friends and family. And today, I will celebrate life in every possible way.

It feels as though a whole lifetime has passed since I disappeared. And in a way it has. I am not the same person anymore. I look at the world, at the people around me in a different way. I’ve had to say goodbye for good to many friends that I really care about. I finally recognize the person that looks at me from the mirror, and I am happy to be that person. Granted, my life is by far not perfect. But what would I still have to strive for if it were?

12 thoughts on ““I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.” – Eleanor Roosevelt”

  1. While I still don’t see why you should delete your online appearance to live your real life, I finally agree with what you have to say. The last two stanzas actually do sound as if they were uttered by a new person.

    My advice: enjoy the imperfection. Just imagine how dull life would be if it was perfect.

  2. I didn’t want to go into why I deleted them in the post. My reasoning was, that I didn’t use those services (blog excluded, that had a different reason that I don’t want to go into) anyway, and if I did they only served to present a persona that is not really me anyway. Why keep these things on the web? And, I also decided that it was time to get some of my privacy back. :)

    I wouldn’t use the term enjoy. I would rather say: accept the imperfection and become as happy as you possibly can despite the odds that life has in store for you. I agree though, a perfect life would be dull. That is one of the reasons why I find the idea of a heaven repulsive – spending *eternity* without anything to strive for?! I’d rather just have my existence end.

  3. I’d say “enjoy” is the term I’d go for, because “accepting” doesn’t imply that low points in life are probably the most valuable moments of it, and that they can (and often do) have a positive outcome.

    But hey, that’s really just a matter of expression of a similar idea. ;)

  4. Yes, I reckon it is exactly the same idea, we are just using two different words. Because I’d say that accept does imply low points in life are valuable. :)

  5. Just as letting go is hard, retrieving serendipity gives pleasure. There are ups and downs in life. How can it be different, naturally? Welcome back. :)

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  7. “low points in life are probably the most valuable moments of it” – hey, du ereners dech grad un den Swann, hun ech Recht? :)

    “Welcome back. :)” – jep!

  8. Ech hat dat scho räusfonnt, virun deem s ech de Swann gelies hunn, mee dat huet mech just bestätegt. :)

  9. Welcome back. Ech hun et de Moien am Zelt gesin, wéi ech nach schnell Resultater vum Radiocamp eropgelueden hun an nirwebai main Schlofsaack zesummengerullt hun. Meng Hänn kribbelen. Ech sin frou. (Wann och emmer nach traureg)
    Ech wees, du fenns Voyager net *esou* gudd wéi ech, mee an irgendenger Folg stellt sech d’Seven of Nine vir, wéi et irgendengem zum Gebuerstdaag gratuléiert an seet “Ech wenschen der, daat all deng Wensch an Erfellung gin. Ausser een. Fir daats du emmer eppes hues, nodeems de striewen kanns.”
    Ech fannen daat schéin, als Perspektiv. Daat et emmer eppes um Horizont kann gin.
    An sief et nemmen eng Méiw, déi fir sech op d’Rees iwert den Ozean mescht.

  10. Ah endlech rem online, wou ass deen scheinen Video dann mat den Möven hin? Deen huet mer navel gudd gefall :) Ma wanns dann netmei sou oft online bass, hoffen ech dass mer ons an Letzebuerg an Realiteit des äfteren begeinen. Um Cyrill (ech schreiwen sein Numm emmer falsch) sengem Geburtsdach zb. deen misst jo lo nees gleich sinn. Hues nach mamm Tom ze dinn lo wous de Blog zougemach hues?

  11. Hehe, ech hunn der en heihinner ropgelueden. :)

    Also ech bleiwen weiderhinn online z’ereechen. Email geet emmer an Facebook och. Ech hänken just keng Stonnen méi am MSN all Dag. Wanns de mat den Examen färdeg bass leeft een sech bestëmmt eng Kéier iwwert de Wee a wann net kann ee jo nohëllefen. ;) Ech hunn na näischt vum Cyrille héiren wéinst sengem Gebuertsdag, géing awer mol unhuelen dass en eppes mécht, war jo nach all Joërs sou. Mee en ass jo nach eng Rei Wochen ewech.

    Dem Cyrille säi Kolleg? Hm ass relativ laang hier, dass ech deem fir d’Lescht begéint sinn.

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